


get in losers we're going SHOPPING

by lyresea



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Gen, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Pre-Avengers: Age of Ultron (Movie), a Guide to Dressing for the Job You Have, it's still possibly borderline, not as cracky as title suggests
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-20
Updated: 2016-12-20
Packaged: 2018-09-10 15:40:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,885
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8922844
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lyresea/pseuds/lyresea
Summary: The Three-Step Plan for Maria Hill’s Career after the Fall of SHIELD
(and getting Tony Stark off her metaphorical back)





	

**Author's Note:**

> Apparently this was the fic I needed to write after Age of Ultron. I just found it on my harddrive.

Here’s the thing:

When your semi-secret agency falls apart, your job falls down and a horde of politicians are about to fall on your head, you need three things: money, lawyers, intelligent people and Stark Industries had all three.

(“Plus we need to know what’s going on with the Avengers,” the yes-he’s-completely-dead-why-would-you-think-otherwise Nicholas Fury Jr told her two days after his own funeral. “Rogers won’t tell me everything.”

As a note: he’d also thanked her for her eulogy.)  


  
*

  
So Maria Hill had a plan. It was a simple plan.

**  
Step 1. Get an interview at Stark Industries. **

Easily done. Natasha Romanoff, neé Natalie Rushman, had put in her contact with someone who put her in contact with someone who took one look at the line on her CV that said Maria Hill, Deputy Director of SHIELD, and the post-it note that said “Ms Potts says yes.” and called her to ask if she would be available for an interview tomorrow, they just had a position open up that they thought might suit her talents.

Maria had declined and asked if Tuesday would suit.

Tuesday was fabulous and would work just fine and, by the way, how did she like her coffee?

**  
Step 2. Get a job at Stark Industries. **

One flawless polygraph and delightful dinner with the equally delightful Pepper Potts later and she was in.

(To be fair, the dinner had been Step 0 and not completely part of the plan in the first place. Maria liked Pepper. Pepper liked Maria. Both of them liked wine.)

**  
Step 3. Convince Tony Stark that she was completely on his side and that a) yes, they absolutely needed her help when it came to working with the Avengers; b) that there was no way, no how she would be discussing details with outsiders, particularly not the fallen SHIELD because it had totally fallen; and c) that Nick Fury Jr was deader than a doornail buried in a coffin and discover two thousand years later by one poor sweating archaeology student. Also, d) not kill said Tony Stark.**  

Okay. That last step was going to need some work.  


  
*

  
“So who did you use for the body? I assume there was a body. Though one wonders why there would be a body since he isn’t actually dead.”

“My lawyers really hate you. I mean, I thought they hated me but they _really_ hate you. They love how much you’re costing me though.”

“Thank you for terrifying my new junior scientists. They’re much more efficient now.”

“No, really, who did you use? I know there was a body - I had Jarvis scan the grave. What the hell, Hill.”

“If you were a double-agent in a brilliant successful corporation, that harbours the most incredible technology you had ever see and oh, by the way, is run by a bunch of people who saved the planet, what’s the first secret you would tell your privately-run quasi-miltary theoretically-no-longer-existing former place of employment?”

“No, seriously, can you tell Fury to give me a call, I was after his ribs recipe.”  


  
* 

  
The main problem with the fact that Stark was now technically her boss was that she couldn’t just change her phone number to hide from him. And even if she did, he would just hack into her computer.

After six weeks of his hassling, Maria gives up. She’s never given up so quickly on anything in her life. She pulls out her phone, opens her contacts and scrolls down to a number. It rings briefly and the voicemail picks up on the other end.

“Hey, it’s me. I know you’re on your walkabout but– I need to see you.”  


   
*

  
Natasha shows up on her doorstep the Thursday after, a bag full of Thai in one hand, a bottle of red in another, and a fat black satchel slung over her shoulder.

They eat the dinner first, making pleasant small chat: how’s work, how’s the family, how’s the farm and oh, what did you say? Which politician is banging who and what position did you say he had on the committee?

Maria is eating the last of the spring rolls when Natasha finally sighs and hits the topic. “Okay, Maria, so why am I here?”

Maria puts down her fork and the sweet-and-sour sauce. “I need to convince Stark I’m not playing him.”

“So don’t play him.”

“Natasha.”

Natasha knows. Natasha always knows. But as with anything regarding SHIELD these days, she just lets it roll off her back.

“I don’t know why you’re so concerned. You keep secrets with the best of them.”  And with that Nat’s voice turns a little gravelly and okay, apparently everything wasn’t rolling and Maria still wasn’t quite forgiven for that event. It hadn’t been her choice, but Fury isn’t here and Maria still is.

Maria nods. “But Stark is Stark. He’s protective and he’s paranoid and I need to get him off my back.”

“It’s not paranoia if they’re actually out to get you.”

Maria looks at her again. “You know we need the information, and you know you need my help.”

“Well, he’s not going to believe the dying thing. But keep denying it. His face is funny when it’s red. Otherwise…” She drawls the word out as the sweetest little smirk crawls across her face. “Wear a skirt.”

“Wear a skirt?”

“Wear a skirt.”

“I’ve spent twelve years wearing a SHIELD uniform with pants. Why would I wear a skirt to work?”

“Because you’ve spent twelve years wearing a SHIELD uniform with pants.”

Oh. _Oh_.

“Look, he already knows you’re terrifying and competent but he associates you with SHIELD. If you’re terrifying and competent and a skirt maybe stops him from associating you with SHIELD all of the time… He’ll start seeing you as working for him.”

“I hate skirts,” Maria says half-heartedly.

“That’s a lie.”

“I hate skirts at work.”

“You wore one at the hospital. And a dress to your interview.”

“Yeah, but that was for-“

“The exact same reason I’m telling you to wear them now. Makes you seem softer.”

Maria sighs. “Skirts are impractical - that’s why I wear them only for specific tasks. I can’t exactly raid SHIELD’s wardrobe for a functional one right now. What if something goes wrong?”

Natasha just rolls her eyes at Maria as she pulls a large department store bag out of her satchel and tosses it at Maria’s feet.

Maria slowly pulls out the contents and lays them on the couch. Five pencil skirts, one dress, varying shades of grey and navy. All tight fitting by the looks of them though with a touch of spandex for stretch. Every single one was in her size.

“I fucking hate you, Natasha Romanoff.”

Natasha smirks, snagging a bit of chicken from Maria’s leftover pad thai, and lies back, putting her feet on the coffee table. “You love me. Try them on.”  


  
*

  
She isn’t all that surprised, but Maria is impressed. Natasha sure knew how to pick clothes.

“So?”

“They’ll do.”

“Add some heels, some ridiculous earrings-“

“What, some excessively gaudy set?”

“Yes, I have the perfect pair. Come on, Maria, just because you hate the game, doesn’t mean you don’t play it. You know you play it.”

“And if I need to run?”

“You can kick off your heels. And every single one of these skirts has strategically placed slits and seams that you can tear if things get really desperate. Now squat.”

She did. Not one of the skirts tore, though her right knee twinged a little at the form required.

“Where do I keep my gun?”

“Maria Christina Hill. Don’t you dare even pretend you don’t own a thigh holster.”  


  
* 

  
The morning of her first day at work wearing a skirt, she takes a picture of her legs with her burner phone and sends the image to a junk email. 

_Why the hell aren’t you doing this._

It may have contained a few more capitals. And several curse words.

Maria can barely resist tugging at the thing all day. She had to be ready at all times at SHIELD and this felt just the opposite.

And then fucking Stark doesn’t even show up to their meeting.

  
*

  
She gets a text to her second burner from a random European number the next afternoon.

_Stopped wearing those in the 70s. Piece of advice: call him boss._

  
*

  
The third day Stark eyeballs her up and down as she dumps a particularly large file on Hydra – stripped of any intel she knows Coulson is targeting – into his hands, asking Jarvis to copy the electronic version at the same time. Stark will spread the e-version to the others; Steve will still want a hard copy. He’s been a little nostalgic since SHIELD crashed and burned. 

Well, since they crashed and burned SHIELD.

In theory.

“You’ll need this for Thursday.”

He glances down at her tablet, ostensibly reading the file though his frown is more directed at her legs, before flicking the information up onto his main display. His scowl deepens. “Barton?”

She raises an eyebrow. “Rogers.”

“You are all conspiring against me.”

By this point he is actually focused on the file, and she spins around to leave.

Still, he manages to bellow as she walks out the door. “Nice skirt!”

  
*

  
She knows Rogers is gently working Stark from his side, trying to get her more involved with their hunt for Loki’s sceptre and whatever else Hydra has procured. Steve has neither confirmed or denied that Fury is still alive – not that it matters as he’s a terrible liar anyway – which is all of the ammunition Tony needs, and so really it’s no wonder she hasn’t been making headway on that front. Natasha hasn’t been around to personally meddle and hurry it along and Steve is still slightly reluctant to have any hint of Fury near the Avengers.

Even so, he realises they need her help and it’s gratifying to have his faith in her abilities, though Maria expects her willingness to destroy SHIELD had something to do with it too.

Maybe trying to blow him up with the ships had been a good plan after all.

But it’s not working and she needs in soon. They need her intel and skills, and she needs to keep them away from Coulson and that giant mess hanging over his head.

Okay. Time to take Fury’s advice.

  
*

  
“Yessir.”

The words almost choke her but it doesn't echo in her voice and Stark’s head instantly pops up from behind the table.

She pauses, threading tension into her shoulders, her hand hovering over her tablet.    


“Shit. He’s really gone, isn’t he. Not dead. But gone.”

She clears her throat, moves to speak, then hesitates. “I burned SHIELD, Tony.” Not a lie. At all. She looks up from the tablet. “Details on the Hydra base in Peru.”

  
*

  
One week later, Stark approaches her in her office. She’s wearing a navy dress today. 

“So, this Avengers thing. As I’m sure you’re well aware, we’re still doing it. Want in?”

  
* 

  
Natasha’s smirk when she joins them at Maria’s First Official Meeting says it all, and she casually ducks the stylus Tony throws at her.

  
*

  
Fury sends her a picture from 1973, the subject's head carefully concealed. Maria prints a copy and stores it in her safety deposit box.

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> idk I guess I had opinions about her wardrobe?


End file.
